Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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