I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
