I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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