Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
