They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
