i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
