The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
