i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I faked an abortion last night.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
