You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
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Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
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Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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