If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
