I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
