I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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