Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
you would pick up someone in the library
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
