I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
