You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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