I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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