I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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