Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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