I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
