I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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