when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
