I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
