i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
