After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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