dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
