I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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