I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
