you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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