It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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