just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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