Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
