I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
