Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
