You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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