I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
