OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
