She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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