Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Randomize
