remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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