I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
did you just send me my own nude
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
