I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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