Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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