Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
