Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
