That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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