I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
