Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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