So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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