Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
