I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
