so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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