Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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